Stupid boy

I never thought you wouldn't hold my eyes. You, how you're direct, so fierce. And I have these demented thoughts...I blame myself. I think of everything I have done to wrong you. I try to work up ways to fix them. And when it comes down to the facts, the truths that I choose to push out of my mind, I can do nothing to convince you otherwise. You're determined to be your own entity, no interference. Dear god, girl, did you ever want to interfere. Sell yourself to the devil just to interfere. Crush this sweet boy's heart just to maintain interference.

You realize that I've pulled him behind me the entire time. He's been gripping onto my ankles, sometimes able to climb up enough to grasp onto the hem of my shirt, perhaps the sleeve. But then I'd shake him loose and he would lose ground, scrapes and bruises, bloodied from the fall. And it was easy because I'd do it for you. You, this ghost that you'd never let be anything but.

Fuck you.

You used me. You used me for the sex and the attention and you absorbed my smiles and my dreams and my heart and my emotions and my daughter.

Fuck you. You used my daughter.

You said you haven't treated me well. You said I deserve to be happy. Yeah, well so do you. You're an emotionless, foolish man. I call myself a cotton candy girl at times, out of spite, trying to formulate a plot toward the demise of something else, an idea, a thought, because I want to destroy thoughts sometimes. Basically, I call myself stupid. I think I'm stupid sometimes because I let people like you into my life. I let you change me. Fuck me for letting you change me. Fuck you for letting me do this to him, to her, this entire time. Put me up there, keep extracting these pieces of me for your collection of me until you have left me with nothing to give. Blood-letting. You are a taker. You are an emotional vampire. You are the kind of man I would never want my daughter to be with. How dare you continue to lead me on as though you were certain of a future when you only just started to actually care about me. What gives you that right? Don't tell me you tried to warn me because you never walked away. You never meant to leave me. You wanted me around because I was a shiny sparkle girl for you. I made you feel better because I adored you. I loved every bit of you and I loved everything about you that you hated. And you lost every bit of that love. You don't deserve it because you just absorbed it and returned nothing. You do not deserve a girl like me, sparkly and glittery.

I wrap myself in the thickest of cement at the slightest of chill now. I keep myself so far from feeling that love that I gave you, that adoration. And now, this guy, he deserves every bit of that adoration I gave you that you never actually respected, he deserves this sparkle and glitter, and I KEEP IT AWAY FROM HIM. Most of the time. Because of you. Fuck. You.

So what happened...he goes away for a week. Then he comes back and I'm this warm little cinnamon apple girl, all sparkle, all glitter. I have stars in my eyes. And this sweet boy, the one I have fucked over again and again for you, he sees this starlight girl when I fully intend to not be a starlight girl, and he says he has always known that girl exists in me. That's why he's stuck around for all of my fucking him over for you. So he jumps on that. Not a week later, he asks me. And not ten minutes go by before I cancel with you. Because I don't want to fuck him over because of you. He's always hated it whenever you and I would have coffee or wine because he has known that you destroy the girls he loves. He knows I let you destroy me. He hates it. He always has hated it. But he has never told me I couldn't. Because, one, I'd never listen to him. Also, two, because he is patient. And all of my destroying maybe, one day, I'll be peaceful.

And today, I'm so absolutely emotionless, I feel beyond human. Stoic and made of cement. And I'm completely blaming you. You told me you loved me the first time in March 2009. You never loved me. You lied to me from the beginning. You might have loved my daughter. I expect that you wouldn't lie about that. I expect everyone to love my daughter. And if you didn't, go to hell.

I cancel my potential destroying affair, then I'm honest. I tell you what happened. Unfortunately, you know me so well. There had to be a significant shift. I'd been working on this project for over a month now. This was a big deal. And you let go. Just like you always have, you just let go. You succumb to whatever outside forces depict whatever it is in your life that they think they have control over. That you let them control. That control that you have relinquished and are now simply a puppet to their command.

So go then. Go be your machine. Go find your sanctuary that you thought you found in me and fed me lies to keep me close by, your own personal sanctuary. That love that you claimed to have for me and my daughter, this sweet little girl, it is simply ice melted and vaporized. You have no love to stand on. There has never been love. There was never respect. There was never trust, never a friendship. Because you can just go. Just like you do, just like you've always done. You just let go.

With your 'here we are now...everything will be better this way.'

Fuck you.